The Dinner

 

It’s not like I aspired to become a Medicine Man out of the blue. My family helped, specifically Thyra Ferre’ Bjorn, my grandmother,  and her brother Nels Ferre’. Both powerhouses in my little psyche.

In 1970 my family was chased out of Greenwich, Conneticut by people angry at my father, he did crazy things with other people’s check books and other peoples wives. I was 5 almost 6, exiled to a summer cottage in Ocean Park Maine, a place not meant for year round habituation, the extended family held a Swedish Babitist version of an intervention. The all came that fall for a big dinner. No one talked about the problems that got us there, they only speculated about how good the future could be, given God’s plan.

At the table, Thyra was on my right and Nels on my left.  My grandmother asked, “How are you, ‘Topher?” My grandfather always uses my full name, Christopher, but my grandmother makes it sweeter so I always feel close to her, I lean in when she says ‘Topher.

” I like the beach.” I said.

” Do you have any friends, now that you are in school.”

” Kinda Eric, we ride bikes and stuff, but….”

” What?” She asked.

” I don’t know we played a bunch, but stuff happened. Sorta weird stuff.”

” What happened ‘Topher?”

I hesitated these people were towering and kind and I didn’t want them to stop liking me. Like the way people felt about my father.

“He said a swear word,” I was so ashamed to admit I knew someone who would do that, I fidgeted. I was more ashamed that I didn’t even know what the word meant. “but when he said it something happened.”

Nels, listening to our conversation asked, ” What happened kiddo?”

“When he said it, we were on the beach and, I don’t known… it hurt,” I blurted, ” and then I didn’t hear the ocean anymore.”

Thyra gave Nels, an adult look, not scared but straight, then she turned her head down to me again “But you can hear me now right?” she smiled.

“Not like that,” I swayed in my chair,” It was…I could hear things, like the ocean, like seagulls. I could hear seagulls float, I could hear them fly, not the wings I could hear their bodies in the air. And like sand used to say my name when I lay my head down on it. You know? But it’s gone. They don’t talk anymore, I can’t hear.”

Nels leaned in and Thyra turned toward me as the rest of the dinner disappeared to us. “Is that all?” She asked.

“No,” I said, “He littered too.” He was a bad kid, before this I didn’t even know people could do that, throw things on the ground. “He crumpled a candy paper, and threw it. I saw it in the air and their were ripples, like from a pebble on flat water. Ripples in the air, and when the paper hit the ground, colors changed sorta like they’re not alive anymore.” I squeezed my hands together tight like fists, “It was real mean. And the colors are gone and it’s hard,” I bury my head in my grandmother’s bosom, “and nothing talks anymore. I just want it back, I just want to see and hear again.” With my head between her breasts, I wrap my arms around her, but didn’t reach a quarter way around her waist.

The Initiation

“Topher, ‘Topher” she said rocking, “its good, it’s good you’re here. Everybody looses these things, I lost them.” She looked to Nels, “I lost them too,” he said, “but unlike you I didn’t even know it, it wasn’t until I got them back I knew what I was missing.”

“You got it back?” I asked.

“Yes” Nels said, smiling,”and you will too.”

“We can help you dearie.” Thyra added while gently ruffling my hair.

“You’re gonna live here?” I asked.

“No”, Nels laughed, “not here,” he said waiving over the dining room table and the stupid cold cottage. “Here” he said as he put his hand on my chest and I felt his warmth.

Thyra smiled then she held my head in her hands and touched her forehead to mine, gentle, sweetly, “and here” she said.

“Ok?” I was warm and happy but not too sure what they meant. “How?” I asked.

“Well,” Nels said scrunching up his face and looking at Thyra,. “That’s the hard part, we don’t really know,” she finished his thought, “the timing and way is for God to decide. But we will always be there to help.”

“How?” I asked again.

“We’re going to tell you something very special about the world. Something you must remember.” I nodded.

“What you are trying to hear in the world are words that you can’t hear with your ears. Like the weight of the seagull flying, you didn’t hear that with your ears, you heard it inside, more like hearing and feeling?” I nodded again, that’s exactly what the seagull did, I heard it felt it.  “Seeing is the same, the spirit you see in the softness of the world, where it makes sense and comforts you, you don’t see with your eyes. You see it feel it. Even though these maybe gone now, you can get them back, you are part of them, they never really leave you.”

Then they both leaned in, “And we will never leave you either.” I started to cry and Thyra said, ” Tut, tut, tut. Shh. Listen, listen to me little ‘Topher,” I caught my breath, “listen very close, this is what you always must remember. I will always be the word you are trying to hear, listen for me but don’t use your ears. Do you understand?” I nodded. And Nels said, ” Me too, I am always the spirit you are trying to see, look for me, but don’t use you eyes. Look to feel me. I’ll be the full color and softness of the world.”

They finished together, “This is what a family is,” Nels said.

“This is what a family does,” Thyra said, “We help.”